My Life After Ed

Life begins after Ed...

Embrace Your Life

Your life is going to be a journey of ups and downs. You will never know what will be thrown your way. You can try to plan to the best of your ability, but when you factor in other "factors", you will find that you just can't plan. The hardest part for anyone who is A-Type or a control-freak is realizing you can't control the overall grand plan. You can however control how you feel about things out of your control. The best way to cope with "life" is to be prepared that things will not go the way you expect. This isn't a bad thing, but you have to learn to embrace what comes your way.

I'm in a job I currently don't enjoy. It's always a whirlwind, but I can control how I react to the craziness I encounter at my job. I could take home the drama, but I choose not to. I choose to grow thick skin and not let things rub me the wrong way. I also realize that this is temporary and part of God's grand plan. I will move on to bigger and better things. But I'm embracing what God is putting me through now as a teaching lesson. Maybe it's to be a stronger person, maybe it's to figure out what I want out of life or how I can handle certain situations. As hard as it is to go through difficult situations, you can still take something away -- how can you be a better person? How you can you help others from what you've learned? Are you growing closer to God?

Take some time to look at what you can't control and learn to embrace.

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Unbalanced in God's Greater Plan

As I was going off to work, I had lamented that it was just another day at the funny farm. My husband responded that God has me here for some purpose, and it's all a greater part of his plan for me. God help me – I wish I knew why I have to be here at this place right here right now. God sure has funny ways with his plans. I know I don't quite yet understand why I'm here at this time and place. I'm uninspired and apathetic. I hate not feeling quite balanced or quite "right" about God"s greater plan – at this moment. I feel angst at my current predicament, but I'm reminded that I'm lucky to have a job while 10% of the population is out of work. Yet, those thoughts do not console me when I'm feeling frustrated, like today. I have a bit of anger going into work – at the craziness here, at the people, at the lack of benefits, at my small desk, at the bad phone systems. I hate being angry, but I am.

I understand that my bigger picture – what is about to transpire in my life is greater than any of the BS that I'm currently putting up with, and that provides me satisfaction. Yet, getting through day in and day out at my job is where I get "stuck" with angry and frustration. I try to make the most of it. And I try to hold back my anger, but it is getting the most of me.

I need to find solace. I need to find a way to get through the doldrums of the days here. I so desperately want something better to come through to make my days feel fulfilled. To work with people who inspire me, to work on something that puts spark into my inner fire, to be a fire and to be a better person. I am desperate to find the answer – to find my calling. I know and try to understand that God has a plan for me, but why does my current path feel so "wrong" and unbalanced?

Happy to know that I have peace at home with my husband, and I look forward to my time with him and in the moments that make life fulfilling -- going for bike rides, being with family, having laughs and talking to my family on Skype. Those are the moments of joy that help me through. But I do seek a greater purpose - I want to do what I was intended to do - I have yet to discover that.

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Stop and Smell the Roses

Do you ever feel like you have so many goals for yourself that you just don't have TIME for smelling the roses? Take a look at your To-Do list. Is it a couple of pages long? Is it realistic? Do you beat yourself up when you don't get everything accomplished?

If you answered yes to any of the above, maybe it's time you stop and smell the roses. Life moves to fast for you not to take some time to enjoy life. It's not about being lazy or unproductive, but being realistic, cutting yourself some slack and planning time to enjoy moments in life and the little things. I often find myself getting down because I'm not far on my to-do list or I always feel like I have "SO MUCH TO DO". But sometimes, or most of the times, it's time to let go. Let go of the desire to be uber busy, uber productive and live life a little more relaxed and uncontrolled.

I think so many times we EDs are the a-type personalities, or the over-achievers, and we have a hard time letting go and living life without our control. It's time to learn how to "LET GO" and smell the roses before it's too late - before you look at your life and say, "where has it gone....why didn't I have any fun."

Yes, I have a long to-do list, but I'm not overly crazy about trying to accomplish it all. In fact, a lot of my things have been on the list for over a year. But I'm okay with that. I enjoy more than anything doing the things I love with the ones I love - watching movies, going on bike rides, looking at old pictures, reading books and so on.

Find what you enjoy and make sure you do it. Make sure you stop and smell the roses -- not once in awhile --- but everyday. Life is too short not to enjoy the moments you have here on Earth with the ones you love and with the beauty our world has to offer.

Godspeed.

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It's okay to eat and enjoy it!

I'm fully recovered from ED now but I wanted to take some time to share experience about eating foods that I once thought were BAD and would never fathom eating. Last night, my dear husband and I went to a Mediterranean restaurant. We decided to order a nice appetizer plate consisting of hummus, pita bread, something yummy called Baba ganoush and Greek salad, plus some grape leaves filled with rice. What a delicious plate! There was some olive oil drizzled on the various spreads, but I didn't get nervous. I reminded myself that fat is okay, and olive oil is good fat. I dug in and enjoyed it thoroughly! We both ordered an entree - mine was fish along side some Ratatouille. The Ratatouille had a lot of oil in it. Normally, I would freak out. It was more than I would normally eat, but I didn't let ED get to me. I had about half the entree, and it was good. It was my first time eating something like this, and I really liked the flavors. I reminded myself that it was a new dish and I would enjoy this Ethnic food. I also reminded myself that it was filled with good veggies - like eggplant, onions and peppers and I enjoyed that combination of flavors.

I ate well last night, and the best part, I enjoyed it. I remember when I had ED, I would never go out to dinner and when I did (with family), it was such a problem. I would beg the waitors to make sure nothing had oil and if it I had one glimmer of oil or butter, I'd send it back. I was no fun to be with - I know it caused anxiety to anyone I would dine with. I mean, who wants to be around someone so rigid, someone so sick.

I think we can all aim to eat more normally. There are no foods that are bad. Cake is good! Have a slice or two at a party. Of course, where you have to be vigiliant is with bulimia. Have a "buddy" there with you to help you get through difficult times. If you're like me where my struggle was Ana, you still might want to have a buddy. Like me, my husband helps me enjoy life more and enjoy food. I say to myself - this one meal isn't going to make me fat. I also take the thoughts of "now I have to work out extra tomorrow" out of my head. In fact, I didn't even work out today after that "big meal" - I put it in quotes because that is what an ED would say. But, it was just a nice night out of good food. And I can say confidently, I didn't BLOW UP today. That used to be my fear - after one day of eating just normally, I would think I would BLOW UP or that the pounds would somehow just stack-on.

This is just ED talking. Combat those thoughts, and say IT'S OKAY TO ENJOY FOOD!! I can ENJOY ALL FOOD. I'm allowed to eat. Positive thoughts, cognitive therapy are all ways to help ED stay away. Also be prepared with some kind of coping mechanism if you do eat "normally" and you're in the first few stages of recovery or fresh in recovery. For instance, go for a nice walk -- with someone. Don't go alone. At that sensitive time in your recovery, you need to arm yourself with coping skills - maybe play music, maybe get out of the house, go shopping, call someone, volunteer somewhere, journal, play a musical instrument, clean the house.

Let GO and Let GOD. And remember, it's okay to eat!

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Trying to keep the faith

I had to get down on my knees today and pray to God for strength. I sometimes have such a hard time letting go of my need to control as well as other emotions that are not healthy. I have jealousy in me, sadness, disappointment, frustration --- well, all of the above. I want to better understand God's plan for me, but I'm not sure how I will or how I can. As I mentioned in earlier posts, my husband and I have been trying for our first child but each and every month has been a disappointment. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. This weekend, I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. We just talked about how they weren't trying but if it happened, it happened. Well, it happened for them. Now, here we are -- trying, trying trying and nothing.

I'm so sad. I'm getting older and every month that goes by is another month that I'm getting further from the opportunity. It's not that I won't remain optimistic, it's just that I feel this strong pull to be a mother and there are only 1 time out of every month that we can get pregnant, and that one time just keeps passing us by. I'm jealous that everyone around me had an easy time and that they're getting something that I so badly want.

I feel alone in this journey. My dear husband just doesn't understand it. I know he tries, but I don't think he gets it. But all of this frustration has added up and now, FINALLY, now, I'm realizing that part of the problem is control. Once again, my control-freak nature of mine has hindered me. I have to stop wanting to control everything - there will be no planning or timing. I WILL surrender this and my life to GOD. He, the GREAT, has a plan for me, and I will not try to control every turn and step in my life.

So yes, while this month has been another disappointment, I am turning this sad feeling into one of greater faith. Faith has always been a struggle of mine, but without these disappointments, I wouldn't know what Faith was or why I need it. Well, I do. I need to have Faith, Hope and surrender my life to GOD. It's hard, it's not something easy, but I know I WILL and I CAN.

While you may not be trying to have a baby, you may have something in your life that you continually try to control. Your body? Your weight? Your spouse? Your parents? Or everything in your life?

I implore you to get down on your knees and pray to God. Ask him for strength to take a leap of faith and have faith that HE has a plan for you and HE will guide you nor foresake you. God bless you today and always. Have hope. Have faith. You are not alone.

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Change is a Good Thang

"Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights." ~Pauline R. Kezer

That quote just seemed to fit me these days. I'm making change - lots of change. The hardest part about change is the discomfort and emotion involved and how we deal with that. Some change is easier than others. Getting married was a welcome and exciting change. When I chose to move to be close to my fiance (now husband), it was incredibly hard. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends with some uncertainty, but it was unequivocally the best decision because now I'm married to my dear husband. My current change has to do with my career. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but rather, I just wanted to talk about how I'm handling it. The hardest part was saying goodbye, but like the quote above says, change gives us branches. My job had given me a lot of great experiences and that has provided me a firm foundation, but I'm looking forward to the new changes and the ability to grow more professionally and personally.

The other difficult part was making a decision and sticking to it. I seem to do this with so much in my life - even from what we're doing Friday night, to choosing home accessories. I'm always wrought with uncertainty. This uncertainty I hold relates to my lack of confidence - the lack of confidence in my own abilities to make decisions or even know what I truly want. My personal goal is to become more steadfast in my decisions. For instance, last night we were hanging pictures on our dining room wall. I really didn't know if I liked our current picture design, and I was hoping my husband would provide more design guidance. I mean, he is the one with the design eye. He didn't offer any, and I was left to my own accord to make a swift decision. I was uncomfortable. I hate making decisions, but I realized right then and there - I have to exert my confidence and know what I want. I said truthfully - I did not like it. It's missing something. With that, we made some changes to the photo arrangement and "BAM" we had a new photo set up. I didn't second guess myself, and now I'm happy.

Sure, when you make decisions - as big as changing a job, getting married -- to the small ones like where to hang a picture, you have to know what you want or at least start listening to your gut. But when you make that decision, if you're second guessing yourself, find out why. Is it because you don't trust yourself? If you don't trust yourself, you're lacking self confidence and it's time to work on building that up.

Start like I did - start with small decisions. When you're shopping, choose your new outfit without hesitating and waiting for a friend to tell you "Get it." Just get it if you feel it in your gut (now, this is not an invitation for a shopping spree, just talking about regular everyday decisions that you may be faced with). Did your husband (boyfriend or SO) ask you to pick out a movie? Do you wait to get his opinion first? Stop - go with what you want (not being selfish here, but just a practice on learning to know yourself and not second guess).

Or are you looking at big decisions - career, new job, family, relationships. Listen to yourself and start learning how to make decisions and not looking back. Remember, change is good...and when you change, you're growing your branches and becoming a stronger person.

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Sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable

I think so often we're caught in this world that teaches us all we have to be strong, independent, assertive...but in reality, can we really be like that 100% of the time. I think I do a pretty good job of putting up a facade throughout my life, even through ED. I would appear to be a super strong, independent person, and I was very independent, but deep down inside, I was weak, along, afraid, confused and depressed. I hated putting on two fronts - the one for everyone else to see - my professors, my friends, even my therapist, doctors. The authentic self leaked out sometimes to my family and therapist, but I never allowed myself to let down my guard in my darkest times.

Even today, as a recovering ED, I'm sometimes so down but continue to put on a front. It's easier now to tell my family that all is honky dory because we live far apart, but inside, I feel down in the dumps and alone. Same with a few of my close friends. I don't try to tell them how down I am because I want to convey that I'm strong and doing great. I sometimes feel that people really want to hear you're doing great because no one really wants to talk to a Debbie Downer. But sadly, I am a Debbie Downer. I am disappointed with myself and how I've been handling my life changes. I've become so confused and distraught about life, and I have been bringing my husband down. I don't want to do that, because I need for my husband to be my rock and strength and not see his wife so down. It's not his fault I'm this way. It's me - my weaknesses, my insecurity, really.

I always wished I was more confident. I have gone through streaks of confidence, but I haven't learned how to grow it to where I want, and even as I write this, I'm disappointed because I wanted MY LIFE AFTER ED to be a source of strength and hope for others struggling with ED, and I definitely have been confident and strong. But right now, I'm admitting my vulnerability. I'm in a period of weakness.

I am hurting. I am sad. I am confused. My life is changing and it is hard. However, I am remaining steadfast in my recovery. Although I am having a hard time dealing with my emotions and the changes, I have not and WILL NOT revert to old ED behaviors as a coping mechanism. That is the easy route, but would eventually destroy everything. I just ask that God help me get through this. I am seeking a helping hand from above to guide me through these difficult waters. I need strength, a should to cry on, someone to listen to me, someone to understand. I don't want to be alone through this journey. Oh dear, God, please help me.

I'm vulnerable. I'm okay with that, so long as I can get through this with faith and without Ed.

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Just because the past taps you on the shoulder doesn't mean you have to look back

Just because the past taps you on the shoulder doesn't mean you have to look back

Someone had this quote for today, and it just rang so true to me and anyone recovering from ED. Recently, I had seen some pictures of very thin women, and part of me had a yearning to be thin again. That is thin but not sick, but we all know that's not possible. I know that my yearning is part of me dealing with a lot of stress these days and feeling down. I think I want to run away from my very real problems, and when I was with ED, I turned to ED to escape. I feel like with my emotions and stress ED has been tapping me on my shoulder. He's putting negative thoughts into my head - like, "don't you want to be skinny again?" He's presenting me with encounters with women who are struggling with ED now and making me want to look like that.

While ED is trying hard to sucker me back in, I have to remind myself that sick is not a way of life. Sick will destroy everything I have - my husband, my relationships, and myself. I have to remind myself of the pains I had when I was sick and how challenging recovery is. I have made it this far, I cannot turn back.

So ED is tapping on my shoulder, I, however, WILL NOT LOOK BACK. I will keep pressing forward in my recovery journey. I will deal with my problems, because turning to ED will only create more problems and ruin my life. I don't want to live another 10 years of regret, destroying my mom and dad, brothers and sisters and husband. I can't put them through that.

I'm not considering returning to ED at all, but you know how it is, those little thoughts pop up into your head. You don't realize you're contemplating changing your healthy behaviors and then you wake up and realize, ED was tapping on my shoulder. Be vigilant in your recovery because ED will keep tapping on your shoulder giving you thoughts about turning back. It was NOT life. It was NOT living. Live free without ED.

Go confidently in your dreams - live the life you were destined to live.

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Don't be Anxious Monday

I love the weekends - who doesn't! It's time to rejuvenate and refresh and more importantly, it's time to spend with my husband. But they always seem to go so fast, and then the Mondays hit, and the countdown begins again. So, my goal today is not to be anxious. I am so foggy lately with so many things up in the air and lots of uncertainty. Normally in ED, anxiety would have produced a lot of ED behaviors that would destroy me, or just let me be numb to everything. But here I am, feeling every bit anxious and still surviving. I will be okay! I have to remind myself that I'm strong and I have surrendered control to God. That is probably the best advice I have been giving myself. It doesn't mean I'm giving up my efforts, but that God is in control. If you let go, you can let God in. So many times, I have tried and tried to CONTROL everything in my life and that just drives me crazy. I'm learning to mediate, take deep breaths and step out when I need to.

Well, having an anxious-free Monday also means being grateful for a good weekend, and that I am. My weekend was busy - and lucky for me, I got to spend most of it with my husband. A Friday night movie, but I fell asleep. Still nice to sit back and relax. Saturday - bought a bunch of fruit trees, home improvement store runs where I actually purchased my first "live" plant for our house. I'm notorious for letting plants die, and I tell people - don't buy me anything live!! But this time, I'm adamant about keeping our plants ALIVE. I think it will be a good lesson for me. I also worked on a scrapbook I've been putting off for 3 years. I finally just said - what the heck, I have to start somewhere, I'm starting now. Being a perfectionist, I put things off because I want to make sure I have all the "perfect" supplies, all the "perfect" time, all the "perfect set up" well perfect just doesn't exist...so I'm just going to let go and start doing. Boy, does this feel good!

So I hope you have an anxious free Monday. Start by saying what you're grateful for, then commit to giving up control and surrendering to God. Let Go and Let God.

Godspeed.

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Thank your body today

More often than not, EDs and recovering EDs have a hard time seeing the good in their bodies. We are often caught up in the negative, or stinkn thinkn' as I call it, talk. Beating ourselves up with comments like, "oh my thighs are too big," or "look at how big my butt is," and "my arms are jiggly."

When was the last time that you actually THANKED your body? Did you ever look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, "Thank you body for not giving up on me, for being strong, for helping me walk, for being good to me." Whatever you want to say, I think it's important you start thanking your body. If there is one thing our bodies are good at, it's protecting us. Think about - when you go in starvation mode, your body does everything in its power to keep you alive. Or how about the unique traits of a woman. Because my husband and I are trying to conceive, I have learned a lot more about the womanly body functions and the amazing cycle we go through each month. Read about your Basel Temperature and you will see how amazing our bodies are - the days after your period leading up to your ovulation, your temperature is actually lower. After you ovulate, your temperature rises steadily for a few days until your period comes when it makes a drop to your lower temperatures. Just that in itself shows you that our bodies are art and are amazing.

Start realizing how special your body is - it is a temple, and just like anything else, we need to feed it loving messages. Give it positive energy and in return, you will begin feeling better and more positive. Start today by thanking your body for being the temple for your soul.

It is your body. It wants to survive to hold your soul. Thank it for that. Thank your body, and soon you will start to love your body. It is possible, but you have to start somewhere and that somewhere is by saying THANK YOU.

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